It’s so weird, self-doubt really makes you irrational I think I’ve been on the right path looking back. In retrospect, I can’t really recall regretting any decisions that I’ve made so far. More like the self-hate I’ve been constantly experience is about the future.
I don’t regret spending so much time learning art. I don’t regret making the content I made. I don’t regret redirecting my time towards making other content. What got me really depressed was worrying that I won’t get anywhere or won’t have a future because it felt like I wasn’t improving and I guess it was also because of twitter numbers.
Twitter numbers - I have zero regrets that I’ve lost all the audience I had back when I was doing NSFW stuff more consistently. I had doubts and was miserable with the fact that my numbers now are low and the likelihood that my works will be seen by people is abysmally low.
However, when I look back and really dissect it, I don’t think I’ve made any wrong decisions since I started doing art back in 2021
- 2021 -
- Made in Abyss, General Anime Fanart + Kpop fanart
- First ever paid commission → boxing art
- Income: commissions → I think it was really good. It wasn’t much but I was so happy.
- 2022
- My very first consistent client → nsfw boxing art
- Somewhat livable income from commissions. It was so painful but in the end I think it was all worth it. I improved so much and developed my drawing process.
- Income: commissions → I think this was the most that I earned and could have even been so much more had I not been in a relationship with someone.
- 2023
- Joined /DAD/ → learned sooo much about anatomy
- Didn’t make any money while on /DAD/ but I don’t regret it. I drew so much during this period and also learned so much.
- Income: boxing comm income → zero income
- 2024
- Returned to twitter, did a few nsfw boxing commissions for a bit, then finally called it quits with catering to boxing stuff.
- Started doing some vtuber fan art. Particularly neuro. Then pippa. Then phase in general.
- Started defining my art style.
- Income: boxing comm then a tiny bit from fanbox → It was a massive struggle to make money during this time. I switched to making nsfw loli content which was really hard to do commissions with. I couldn’t use paypal for transactions like before and I couldn’t find a platform to accept commissions with.
- 2025
- Obliterated by getting banned from twitter.
- Ended 5 yr+ relationship with gf. This plus losing my twitter account which I saw as my only means of income ended up really fucking me up mentally.
- Called it quits with catering to vtuber audience, started making art on other stuff I love
- Started getting into FlyFF and made art of FlyFF Characters → gave me chitose/golden troupe chars
- Started using unifans and finally got a bit of a start from it thanks to kai for commissioning an artwork.
- Late nov/early december → irl stress, typhoon season, family needed money badly and I couldn’t provide + feeling like I had no future again due to prevalence of generative AI content and just generally having lost direction.
- Started getting into music and made music-related art
- Started making covers using chitose
- Income: zero then commissions (unifans) then a tiny bit of irl income
The future:
- I think a lot of my misery and self doubt is rooted in financial worries for the future.
- I think if I’m able to make stable income from art or music, I’d be okay.
- The plan:
- I think it’s to build stuff that I can earn consistently from:
- Unifans commissions - I had a lot of gripes with this and I wanted to quit entirely, but I think it’s okay if I do it sparingly, as long as my whole livelihood doesn’t entirely depend on it, I’ll be fine since that would allow me to accept commissions on my own terms (aka, longer delivery times, less pressure/stress from client communications).
- chitose2e - I think there’s potential here. And I think I have what it takes to make it work. I love the stuff that I make, like I listen to the covers I make and actually enjoy listening to it.
- Regarding income from music:
- I don’t really know if the YT channel will earn ad rev by itself, if it does that’d be nice.
- However, I think there’s potential when it comes to doing production work.
- I think there are people who need help with music production. aspiring vtubers who want to make their song covers etc.
- Still though, I think just the fact that there’s potential for my YT to start generating revenue already makes it worth it for me to actually keep pursuing. Just one video going viral could unlock stable means of income if I do it right.
- Regarding income from music:
- 21glucose / shirt prints / merch - I used to think this is going to be the way, but I’d be shelving this idea at the moment. I’ll prolly dabble with it here and there because it’s fun to design stuff.
- I think it’s to build stuff that I can earn consistently from:
- I wanna make the most of what I currently have instead of hurting about what I’ve lost.
- I still have pixiv to get clients for unifans commissions, there are still people who want to commission me contrary to what I used to believe, and there are still ways to attract clients, as I found out from a dota fan-art I made.
- I have a YT channel now to post music covers in
- Twitter sucks atm. But I feel a lot better now I’ve realized it’s not really as important as I thought. Twitter reach/audience isn’t really that good of a measure of how many people are willing to support you. Legitimately, I found vtubers and musicians who had zero reach on twitter and are still doing really well on their streams/youtube.
- Regarding generative AI:
- Upon retrospect, I’ve never once had the desire or urge to look for ai art/music/content. It was all just shoved on me by twitter algo. And whenever I search up art, I tend to just automatically ignore art that I felt was done with AI. I don’t think this is only a me thing. I think most people also feel this way.
- Granted, there are AI art accounts that I follow on twitter, mostly anime related. I see it, but I had zero desire to go out of my way to support the person behind it. Whereas there are artists who I see their works, and I want merch of their stuff. I don’t even know much about who the artist behind the work is. They’re basically anonymous and yet, just knowing there’s a person/artist behind it already makes things feel so much more resonant.
- TLDR TLDR TLDR
- I’m never doubting myself again
- never my decisions ← also applies to the works I publish. If i think it’s good enough to post, it’s good enough to post. If it’s bad then it’s bad.
- never my skills and capabilities ← skill doesn’t really matter as much, vision and human/emotional resonance is more important, it’s why i like making music covers and even listening to other people’s music covers, there’s relatability and human connection, that stuff resonates with me and I think that matters more when making art
- never my (financial or literal) future ← I’ve never made decisions in the past that I regret now. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t take detours or changed directions. Sure, I’m struggling financially right now, but I think I’d also still be struggling if I took a different path in life.
- I know what I want. I have what it takes. I know what to do.
- And if I don’t know what to do, just don’t force it. Do nothing, play some dota/gacha, watch anime. The answer will always eventually come. Wu Wei
- I’m never doubting myself again